this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
