I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
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I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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