Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
