i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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