Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
