I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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