Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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