she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize