That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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