New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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