I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
