I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
