so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
