when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
