Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
