I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Randomize
