He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize