Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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