I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
