Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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