i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Randomize
