U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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