Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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