there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
