i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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