I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
