Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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