is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
