dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
They have beer where we have blood.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
