I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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