I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
