I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
