I'm so fucking centered right now
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She announced her abortion via fbk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
