I was born with a shot glass in my hand
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
