upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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