I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
