I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
