How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
