I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
