just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
