I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
