I hope mine doesn't look like that
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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