You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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