when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is Oprah even human
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
