update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
me + whiskey = a bad person
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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