She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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