Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
