My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
