im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
