Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
