Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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