I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
