Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
