When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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