Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
they need to just BURY HIM!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
