Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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